Chronic Incumbency Stale-Tediousness Syndrome

Does your local congressperson bore you to tears with vague notions of chairing useless sub-committees?

Does he/she numb your mind when it comes to recollecting anything said congressperson has truly done for the district...in the last ten, twenty, or even thirty years...perhaps more?

Can you yourself fashion a more viable personality out of your child's Play-Doh than your current congressperson has at present?

Is he, according to Procol Harum's classic tune "A Whiter Shade of Pale?"

...if so, then keep reading this faux-pas paid announcement.

The man pictured below is Congressman Dave Camp (R-MI.)

Nice looking, clean cut guy, wouldn't you say? Not exactly Mitt Romney in the realm of quaffed hair, maybe a little pale, but hey, nice-looking nonetheless. A picture of a typical successful Republican Congressman, wouldn't you think?

Underneath though, Congressman Camp is suffering from something. Something that can be fatal not to the man himself, but for the district he represents.

Not to insult the Congressman, nor am I implying that this may affect the quality of his representation, but the man that the people have re-elected time and time again in the Fourth Congressional District (Midland, Traverse City, etc.) since 1990, is suffering from something that is not uncommon for Congressmen and statesmen in general who are...

1.) Intensely boring.

2.) Unable to author ( or even co-author) any significant, far-reaching or for that matter, quality legislation.

3.) As personable as a sheet of drywall.

4.) Re-elected every two years by people who think he's doing a good job, but really don't know for sure because he hardly talks to anyone that's unconnected to Dow Chemicals.

5.) Way too pale, period.

....my friends, that thing which Mr. Camp suffers from is Chronic Incumbency Stale-Tediousness Syndrome (CISTS).

Maybe Mr. Camp is in denial about having CISTS; it is inherently natural for a stale congressperson to do so. It could cramp his lifestyle and make him look more opaque than even they truly are!

But there is hope, friends! And the best part about it, the treatment is free!

While it is an irritating condition that can cause apathy, atrophy of one's common sense, blindness to his voting record, cockiness in the affected statesman, and other non-fatal yet mind-numbing problems to those in his district, CISTS can be cured with a new one-step treatment called "Defeat-Erex."

Defeat-Erex treats CISTS by attacking the disorder at the source. When applied on Election Days of any year, Defeat-Erex removes CISTS from the afflicted patient in one quick, yet horribly painful motion, thereby both curing the city,district, or state, of the disorder and the subject who had it to begin with. This is done by removing him/her from their seemingly-impregnable incumbency via Defeat-Erex and the ballot box.

Application is easy and cost-efficient, with no fuss or muss! Just vote and let dry. By the next day, the patient will be cured of his/her affliction and his/her office.

Defeat-Erex is not for everyone. It only is to be used on sufferers of CISTS and other like disorders. In rare cases, the treatment may cause uncontrollable and bitter weeping, a feeling of unbelievability in the patient, and an unwarranted bout of irrational irritability that perplexes even his staunchest supporters, and in some cases, a rash that is in the shape of his/her former district. In rarer cases, he/she may be invited as the revolving panelist from time to time on the PBS round-table show The McLaughlin Group.

This last side effect is only if the patient has any real worth as an ex-politician.

Defeat-Erex is also useful on lame duck elected officials too, as this may help cure their would-be chosen successors from acquiring the disorder and the office. An example of this would be the President George W. Bush/Sen. John McCain dynamic. While the president is limited by the 22nd Amendment to two consecutive terms, Bush does, since attaining the presidency, suffer from a relative of CISTS, the ever-dangerous and perplexing Severely Atrophied Presidency Syndrome (SAPS.) Defeat-Erex cures even this most terrible affliction.

Do not use Defeat-Erex if your local statesmen/woman is worth a damn. Do not apply if your congressperson/statesperson can bring about meaningful results as your district's representative. Do not use if the person has a personality that is pleasant, likable, or in any way friendly.

So if you have a congressperson like Congressman Dave Camp or any other elected official with CISTS, SAPS, or the ever-dangerous Ted Stevens Disorder (in conjunction with the new Federalix Indictmentitis serum,) try all new Defeat-Erex. Coming out in time for Election Day 2008, comes these new flavors,

Bitter Boysenberry
Harsh Hazelnut
Strawberry Sadness
Loser Latte

...and, in honor of Sen. John McCain's run for the White House, we offer the spanking new flavor...Grumpy Grumpy Grape.

To pick up some Defeat-Erex, go to your local polling place, pick up a ballot, and apply the great medicine by voting for someone other than the sufferer of CISTS, and Defeat-Erex will do the rest.

Seriously folks, do we need two more years of Dave Camp's ineffectual representation? I say no. Vote for freshness of ideas, vote for intelligence, vote for a dynamic person, vote Andy Concannon for Congress and Barack Obama for President.

I think you would agree that we do not need more of the same!